Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.