seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.