Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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