1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave