you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
