it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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