Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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