Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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