so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
