dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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