I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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