Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
