...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
