he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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