I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
