happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
