I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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