so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
