i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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