Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
