Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
