At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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