She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
nutella sex= disaster
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
