I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
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If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize