Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
