omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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