The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
