2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
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i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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