He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
