he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
