i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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