She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Randomize
