I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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