while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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