I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
