Your dad touched me again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
