The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
