I puked a lego.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
