I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
