ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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