tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
