i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
