I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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