why didn't you poke me back
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
