I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
