Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
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I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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