just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
