Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
