I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
