K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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