so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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