she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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