Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
