shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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