he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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