Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
