Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
