I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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